Finals

I couldn’t have asked for finals to come at a more chaotic and unfit time in my life. Lucky for me I only have to take three, Religion, History, and unfortunately algebra. For the trimester I maintained a C average in math and some how the last test I took (I passed) brought my grade down to a D. Now there is no way to get higher than a C in the class assuming I ace the final. Religion is the only reason I’m still alive. Without Mr. Lenzini I don’t know where I’d be right now. School is hell and work has lost its entire dazzle. In class, the halls, and at lunch no one notices me. When we work in groups no one invites me, I join the group who needs another person. It’s hard going thru school and not having anyone to talk to but your religion teacher. And that’s only on occasion I can’t compose a conversation very well.
My best friend since forever never returns my calls and can’t find time for me. Maura has been dramatically changed by high school and handles it well. She does too much. Brandon’s football team is going to state so he’s always at practice. Pat moved to Alabama, has his pilot’s license, two jobs, his GED, is going to a community college and isn’t here for me to talk to. And for Peter well its Peter I think we all knows what that means. To make everything worse my best friend, practically brother doesn’t work at Noodles anymore. I found out right before math today. Devastation! I don’t know what to do. My life fell apart and I can’t find the pieces to put them together. I don’t know what to do, no one to talk to and no where to go. I have finals tomorrow and can’t focus. People always say life isn’t fair but half the time they don’t experience life first hand like I do. They just sit in a nice $6 billion dollar office thinking of phrases to keep the world moving. Why am I still at Noodles? No one is there to work except for a select few, the rest are always talking about paintball and distracting the manager and of course have to take I cigarette break cause “life is hard.” Bullshit, what do they know they clean the grill at night go home, get wasted, and come to work the next day. Yeah life is hard. Whatever what do they know? Look at me; no one cares except three or four people. Andy stopped by last night and only because he was there and mom invited him to dinner did she cook for me. I can’t remember the last time she did that. Anyway we were talking about school and I got on the subject of “diversity.” A few weeks ago I had a verbal quibble with some of the black students in our school. They considered themselves better than me, calling me worthless white trash and other stuff. Walking down the hall later they pushed me over and dumped my notebook. I told my mom that when it happened and when I told her that again last night she didn’t remember me telling her because she was probably helping Roland with something more important. She then told me to talk to Augustine and Lenzini. I don’t talk to Lenzini very much because I fell like he doesn’t like me. I don’t want to talk to Augi though because I can’t do it alone. And when the black girls were talking to me the friends I was sitting next to didn’t even try and do something or stick up for me or anything. Do you know how bad I felt? I’m sitting there in front of a friend and my mom openly shows that what happens to me isn’t important if Roland has a more “pressing matter.”
So now that my adopted brother is gone and I don’t know why, he isn’t talking too much, and school is on it’s way to a very hot place in a very big hand basket I wonder what I’m doing. Somewhere in there Coach was in court and plea bargained but still had to plea guilty everyone in school said he was. That pisses me off! Why not go somewhere where I’d be happy? The answer is, because I don’t know what happiness is anymore. Finals are more than tests in school, you just hope that with the end of each tri, and finals your life will start a new chapter and things will get better. Hope and pray please I really need help. I think that’s about everything. On the brighter side Benedict is alive and I’m going to see me grandma. I just have to get passed my algebra final and I’ll survive.